Monday, November 30, 2009

Things I Realized Today

I had many realizations today...
Whenever the holidays come around I really want to have kids, and as soon as the holidays are over, I go back to not really thinking about kids very much. I miss snow. We have five containers of cream cheese, all of which are 1/2 full. No matter how many times Ryan explains football to me, I can never seem to remember or grasp the rules very well; I should write the rules down next time. Stress has a larger affect on me than I thought. My dog is annoying as hell. Although I love animals, I think I'm more of a cat person than a dog person...less neediness. I want to read Alice In Wonderland. Dust baffles me, where the hell does it come from?!?! WhatABurger has become my house of worship...it is THAT yummy.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Life Is What You Make It

Lately, I've been in the "my life is crap" mode. I'm really quite perterbed by my career fiasco. The fact that I have all this accounting experience and I'm in school to assist my accounting career and I'm not actually using any of that experience, it's rather frustrating. We're still paying for the house in VA, since we don't have tenants as of yet, as you can imagine this puts an obscene amount of financial stress on one's shoulders. Add that on top of some other random crap that I won't get into, and you have a moody pain in the butt aka me.

Before I got married I made a life list of crap I wanted to do, to accomplish, to see (I'm fairly certain that everyone has had one of these at some point in time). I was going through my computer files the other day, cleaning and such, and found my life list. As I was reading through it, I realized that I have actually accomplished more than I thought. Needless to say, this was a pretty big booster for my down in the dumps attitude. It made me realize that I spend so much time planning my life out, that I forget that THIS is my life. Someone once told me that life is what happens while you're planning everything out. What I really need is a constant reminder of that phrase; but I don't know, I think the multi-colored sticky's with this phrase covering my clothes, purse, front door and steering wheel might be noticed by others.

Anyways...I updated my life list, added a few things, and took a few things out and have put it in a spot where it will be a constant reminder that I've actually accomplished more than I thought I had. Instead of focusing on what I haven't done, I really need to learn how to focus on the things that I HAVE accomplished, seen and done. This will be quite a challenge for me. It's who I am to constantly look, not at what I have done, but what I should have done, or what I could have done. My sisters have the same perfectionist complex, our parents always pushed us to do and be better, never be satisfied, never settle, there's always something more you could do. Growing up with this being shoved down your throat, it's hard to look at something and see the glass 1/2 full, you've been programmed to see the glass as 1/2 empty...ALL THE TIME. This holiday season I'm going to do my best to look at the bright side of things. I'm not going to look at my lack of accounting job, I'm going to look at the job I have and be thankful. I'm not going to look at our lack of money, I'm going to look at the fact that we were able to pay the majority of our bills this month. AND I suppose I'll be thankful that I already have the umpteen packets of sticky notes that I'll be using over the next month.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Oh How I Wonder How The Mind Works

Today is the biggest shopping day of the year. Today I was not a shopper, I was an employee, yay me. In all honesty, it wasn't that bad, I stayed busy and the eight hours blew by. People are very interesting. How they think, what they think, what they say. Here's a few interesting things I heard today, some directed to me, some not:

Well, what size pajama top would you wear? You're about my girlfriends size, except her bust isn't as big...which is a bummer.

Seriously, this bra is nothing but padding! So what happens when you take the bra off and the guy realizes he's been jipped?!?!

Excuse me, what bra do you wear to make your girls look so perky?
Oh, it's not the bra, it's the boob job.

Can you measure me, I think I'm wearing the wrong size bra?
Ok, I measure you at a 36C.
Well, you obviously don't know what you're doing because I wear a 32DD.
Well, ma'am you did say that your bra didn't fit right, you might be wearing the wrong size.
No, I never said that. My size is and always has been 32DD.

Why doesn't Victoria Secret carry bigger sizes? It's like they discriminate against bigger girls. Ya know, it's really not right.

Do you guys carry that flowery fragrance that Victoria Secret canceled seven years ago?

Why are you out of my size?

Do you guys carry...props?

Can you help me? I need to get a bra for my girlfriend, but I have no idea what size she wears, or what style she likes.

Mommy, can I get a lacy bra?
Sweetie, you're seven you don't need a bra.
Ok well then can I get that book at the bookstore then?
Yes, sweetie as long as it's not about bras or boys.

Can you help me? I need to purchase a gift...it's not for ME, it's for my wife.

Can you show me where the underwear is?


Seriously, I really wonder about people sometimes! Have a happy shopping weekend, and be kind to your sales clerks, they're probably just as exhausted as you!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

New Title

Today I decided that it was time for a new blog. No longer are Ryan and I attached to the Navy and the longer I'm a civilian the less military topics I have to talk about. This is a new chapter in our lives and I felt that this blog served it's purpose and it was time to move on. Well, I apparently have forgotten just how much work goes into creating a new blog. Settings, backgrounds, layouts, pictures, profiles-UGH. I have gone through about three sites now, partially creating a blog on each, only to realize that I really like the blog I already have. Figures. So, to avoid lots of work that I really have no desire to partake in, I just changed my title. Yeah yeah, I'm lazy. I'm ok with that.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Thanksgiving Traditions

This Thanksgiving is the first one where Ryan and I will be all by our lonesome. Usually we swap holidays between his family and mine, since they live in separate states. This year would be my family's turn, but not only do we not have the traveling money, I'm working retail and you don't get the day after Thanksgiving off...EVER.

The tradition we partake in depends on which family's house we're going to. My family is very traditional, dinner at 3, dessert at 6, dad carves the turkey and I set the table. After grace we each take a turn saying what we're thankful for, although I think every family does that. The last Thanksgiving I was at my family's house, I said I was thankful for liquor. One sister nearly choked on her sweet potatoes, my other sister said, "YEAH!" and raised her wine glass. Fun times.

Ryan's family is like opening a fortune cookie. The fortune is always positive, but sometimes a little confusing. My first Thanksgiving with Ryan's family was very interesting. As explained above I came from a household where everything is orderly, and timed. Ryan's family is...not very orderly, or timed. I think we ate at 10pm. It was one of my favorite Thanksgiving's ever. It was so different than what I was used to, I loved it. Another thing I thought was really cool was that they have friends over for dinner, it's not just a day for family. Ryan has three siblings and at least two of them had friends eating dinner with us. That was never allowed at my house. Thanksgiving was a family holiday and that was that. That finally came to an end when my sister brought home her boyfriend, her boyfriends brother, the brother's girlfriend and her son. Hehe, wish I could have seen the look on my mom's face then. Talk about priceless. Ryan's family doesn't really have a given tradition, other than grandma makes certain dishes and mom makes certain dishes.

When Ryan was deployed or had duty near Thanksgiving and we couldn't travel, we did a potluck with our other military friends who were also staying in the area. So, Ryan and I have never had Thanksgiving just the two of us. I told him we should come up with our own family tradition for Thanksgiving. His suggestion, "We could eat naked. I know I would be VERY thankful for that." Good lord.

What are your Thanksgiving traditions?

Monday, November 23, 2009

The Crap Bouncing Around In My Husbands Head

On the way home from making a beer/coke run to Walmart, the husband turned to me and said, "Like Scrooge McDuck from Duck Tales who swam through his vault of coins, I would like to swim through a vault of boobies."

Welcome to my world.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Today I Decided I Was Bipolar

I walked into work today, and was greeted by one of the managers.

"Oh, good you're here. Listen we need you to stay in the front. The energy up here needs a serious boost. We need your bubbly, humorous self to bring some life back in here."

I'm pretty sure I looked at him like he had lobsters crawling out of his ears. I then looked behind me, looked back at him and said, "ME?". He laughed and said, "YAH, who else."

I got home after my shift and told my husband about my greeting, he in turn burst into hysterical laughter, "YOU? What do you do babe, summon your second personality?" I shrugged, "Apparently".

Anyone who truly knows me, knows that I am ANYTHING but bubbly. Sarcastic, yes. Perky, no. I do however have this talent of being able to make people laugh while being completely sarcastic and insulting. What can I say, it's a gift. Management has commented on how I make customers laugh, I've been told it's my animated facial expressions. Well, it allows me to get away with much more than I probably should, so I'm happy with that.

Looking back, people used to say the same thing when I worked at Diablo Enterprises. So, in reality I'm not sure if it's a, I'm being myself and people just don't get me so they just laugh because they aren't sure what else to do, thing. Or if it's a I'm happiest when I'm at work, and I come across extremely witty and clever in my work environment, thing...nah, I'm probably just bipolar.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

So, I Helped An Old Lady Pick Out A Naughty Nurse Costume Today

I have decided that I have wallowed in my own self pity about taking five gajillion steps back in my career, long enough. I shouldn't be embarrassed, it's not like I got fired, or laid off (which technically wouldn't be my fault), I moved out of state due to my husbands job and there's no jobs in Louisiana. So, what is my job now you ask? I work at Victoria Secret, that's right I dress like a secret agent and sell underwear. When I'm not bored out of my mind, I actually like it, and I'm good at it! I sold over $400 worth of merchandise in the first two hours this morning. Who knew I'd be so good at pushing panties on people. Of course, I can't take much credit, Victoria Secret pretty much sells itself.

The best part of the job is helping people find just the right item. Men go in the store and they look like lost puppies in a cookie store. They have no idea what they want, but they want to buy it all. I get super excited when they walk up to me, or I see them scratching their head in the corner. They're usually there to surprise their wife with some new lacy panty, to cheer their wife up after a rough day, or some other super sweet thing like that. I love those guys! Today I had a different kind of customer come into the store. A little old lady. Little old ladies come in the store all the time, but they always go to the back and look for the plain white high cut brief's and neutral hose. This little old lady was different. The conversation went like this:

Little old lady: Miss could you help me?
Me: Sure, what are you looking for?
Little old lady: Well, you're young, what are the younger more risque people wearing for undergarments these days?
Me: Oh are you getting a gift for someone?
Little old lady: Well, no, not exactly. I was going to surprise my husband with a little naughty treat. We haven't done anything like this in ages, and I thought it would be fun to surprise him.
Me: OH! How fun! Well, we have some lacy nighties, or teddy's over here.
Little old lady: No, I want something...naughtier.
Me: Ooohhhh! You want me to show you the back room full of the raunchy stuff huh?
Little old lady: Oh you have one of those?!?!
Me: *Laughing* No, unfortunately we don't. We do have costumes though. Santa, a candy stripper and a nurse.
Little old lady: *Reaching out to touch the nurse costume* Oh, I like this one.
Me: Well there ya go.

I helped the little old lady find her size and walked her to the register. Some little old man in Louisiana is having the time of his life right now. Or is getting the shock of his life, either way I hope they stocked up on Viagra. I guess there's an "Angel" in all of us. Ya know, I hope when I'm old, I still want to surprise my husband like that...

Monday, November 16, 2009

The People Downstairs

It's no secret that my neighbors in Virginia thought I was a total lunatic. Between the bird fits, the miniture zoo in my backyard, and other random mishaps, how could any normal person not wonder about my sanity? One good thing about moving to a new place is having new neighbors. You get a chance to start over! Yay, how exciting!

We live in a condo-plex, we're on the first floor, so there's people above us. I have no idea how much they can actually hear, but I can hear this girl moving her furniture around every Wednesday at midnight. I have no idea, maybe midnight is a good time for that sort of thing. I'm fairly certain that my attempt at making my neighbors believe I'm sane, has failed. Ryan and I argue one minute and laugh at each other the next, our dog howls at the college students that come home at 3am. He's on doggie patrol, we're working on it. He's attacked one of the people that lives in the building, and if anything comes remotely close to HIS door he starts his menacing snarling and barking.
I can only imagine what the girl upstairs hears.
Thor: Snarling
Me: "Thor knock it off!"
Thor: Barking
Me: "What the hell is wrong with you! Cut it out, damn mutt."
Thor: Howling
Me: "Ryan get your goddamn mutt!"
Ryan: "What do you expect me to do? He's guarding the house!"
Thor: More barking
Me: "From what?!?! The leaf that just blew across the welcome mat?!?!"
Ryan: "Thor, go lay down! Leave it!"

The girl upstairs is probably thinking, "Those crazy people downstairs."

Saturday, November 14, 2009

My New Muse

One of my dreams is to have a book published. It doesn't have to be a New York Times Bestseller, or win any awards, it doesn't even have to sell thousands of copies; although all of those things would be pretty cool. I have had poetry published, but I'm trying to branch away from the poetry and dive into fiction. Much easier said than done, as soon as you tell the editor that you've been published all they want to see is what's been published and that's all they want you to write. At least that's what I've experienced. They aren't interested in book reviews, or articles, they just want poetry. GAH! About a year ago I stopped trying to contact editors, I stopped looking for freelance jobs, I just wrote on my blog, and in my personal journal. I played around with a couple book ideas and showed them to some friends looking for suggestions and opinions, but did not pursue my writing career that I so badly desire. I just needed a break.

I was in Barnes and Noble yesterday. My eye caught this book full of photographs of decaying homes in America. I became fascinated with the pictures. Photo after photo showed old homes from across the country, some decaying and falling apart, some showed just the concrete ruins of what was once someones home. From beautiful Victorian homes in Virginia, to colonial homes in Georgia. The chipping paint, broken windows and overgrown fields spoke to me. If the book wasn't $80.00 I would have bought it right then and there. If walls could talk, what stories would they share? These homes were once brand new. They had a family living in them, children's laughter filled the empty space. The pitter patter of little feet running down the stairs and hallways bounced across the walls at one point in time. The smell of a fresh baked pie, or a home made meal once filled that house with love. Now here the home sits on concrete blocks, in that overgrown field, siding pulled off from bad weather, and lack of maintenance. Ryan calling my cell phone to find out where I was in the store finally broke my fascination in the photos of the decaying past of America. I think I've found my new muse.

Friday, November 13, 2009

A Little Spice For My Sweet?

Sometimes you gotta do something to spice up the marriage. After years and years of being together, the newness wears off and you get comfortable with each other. Not that that's a bad thing, but the romance, the excitement, and the spontanaity can wear off. When we first got married I used to greet Ryan at the door holding a beer for him and wearing the sexiest lingerie or costume I had. Now, I greet Ryan at the door with his dog that needs to be walked, the trash that needs to go out, and I'm typically wearing workout clothes or jeans. Ryan's been a good sport, he's never complained but I fully realize that the romance has fizzled a bit. (Do not confuse romance for sex. They are quite different my friend. One may lead to the other, but they are NOT the same; and I am thankful to report that sex is not a problem area for us. Thank God.)

Ryan got a new phone for his job, and he forgot to transfer all his pictures from his old phone to his new phone. He texted me and asked for a picture of me and picture of Thor. I sent him a picture of each and decided to send him a smoldering temptress picture, complete with pouty lips and "come hither" eyes. Yeah...right.
I used to watch America's Top Model and say, "Oh please, cuz it's SOOOOO hard to pose for the camera." I of course, make these presumptions not based on experience, but because I've perfected the art of drawing the quickest judgement possible on people. Cue eye rolling now.

I don't know the first thing about looking sexy, or posing for pictures. I'm a nerd, I know nothing of these things. SO, there I was practicing my "sexy look" in the mirror. Just when I think I'd have the PERFECT picture I'd snap the shot, look at it and it looked like I was constipated. I have a SLEW of pictures of me looking angry as hell, constipated, aloof, confused, and mentally handicapped. When Ryan got home I showed him the pictures, he nearly fell over laughing.

This has happened once before, when Ryan was deployed. I attempted to send him "sexy" photos, only to spend a half hour, half naked on a bed trying to contort myself into strange postions so that I could take pictures of myself. I did however, get one good photo from that session. This session, not so much luck. The best one I got is this one:



I labeled it, "Do I make you horny baby?" So maybe you can't bring back all the romance you once had when you were a new relationship, but that doesn't mean you can't still play!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

What They Never Tell You

Marriage is what happens when two people decide to commit their lives to each other. For better or worse, sickness and in health, richer or poorer. It's all very romantic and crap, but no one seems to tell you the reality of the whole marriage situation. At least no one told me. Perhaps I was just really young and naive, maybe my parents did try to tell me and I just didn't listen, who the hell knows. NOW, before I continue with this post let me make something very clear-I love my husband, I do not plan on leaving him in any way, and I'm psychologically sound of mind. This is just an honest post of what it's really like being married. Each marriage is different because each individual making up the marriage is different. I don't pretend to know about yours, so I would hope that you don't pretend to know about mine.

Ryan and I were engaged for over a year, I wanted to go through a deployment just to make sure I could handle the Navy lifestyle, and make sure Ryan was the one for me. We made sure that we were on the same page with important matters, such as money, children, our future career goals, family, ect. We have our differences, we have different tastes in music, he likes gaming, I could take it or leave it. We have our own separate groups of friends, our own separate hobbies, yet we have things we do together. We both like trying different restaurants, we watch the same TV shows, we like the same kind of movies. So, it's not like we met and eloped to Vegas after a week. We spent A LOT of time talking, getting to know one another, seeing where each stood on morals, values, beliefs, individual goals, and plans for the future.

Three years into our marriage, we both started to change. No one tells you that your partner or you could change! I guess that would be common sense, anyone can change with life circumstances. I just never thought about it. It was like slow motion, I could see us both changing. I went from an extremely religious way of life, to being much more liberal. Ryan changed with his service in the Navy. The more time he put in, the bitter he became. It's not uncommon for military personnel to become bitter about their time in service, I don't know why I'm so bummed about it. Maybe because I'm really proud of Ryan's service to our country, and if I had a chance I would join the Air Force in a heartbeat; but that's easy for me to say, I'm not the one that served or did deployments. When you change, so does your perception on life, your opinions, beliefs, ect. Ryan and I were opposites before, now we are very opposite! If it's not balancing us out, it's driving us insane.

It's been challenging, at times. My parents have been married for 37 years, that's rare nowadays. I asked my mom if she and dad changed a lot during their marriage, she said absolutely, that they continue to change as life throws them curve balls. Some you hit, some you don't, but they made a commitment to each other for better or worse, richer or poorer.

I'm reading this guys blog about how he's scared that he'll marry the wrong woman one day. I can't help but think, "Ok so even if you do marry the right woman today, what happens if you change or she changes, will she be the wrong woman later?" Of course I don't think you should stay in a dysfunctional relationship, and one with stealing, cheating and/or beating calls for use of a get-out-of-jail-free card, but maybe we're all too quick to throw in the towel.

Ok, so you are opposites, big deal. Ok, so you don't see eye to eye on everything, big deal. Yes, he likes the house temperature to be slightly above arctic tundra mode and you prefer it to be closer to amazon haze mode, that's trivial. Both Ryan and I could pull the whole, "You're not the person I married" card, but we don't. The important part is that you work through your differences. Chances are the person you originally fell in love with is somewhere in there, they're just buried under life stress and crap that's been dumped on them.

I'll be the first to say that I don't believe in the whole, "All you need is love" motto. I believe in how you live day to day. I believe that you need more than just love to make a marriage work. Understanding, trust, commitment. Lots of compromise, and lots of sacrifice. Some say that this is all part of love, but just because you love someone doesn't mean you're super understanding, or you automatically compromise. Everyone is wired differently and show love differently. All you need is love, what kind of love? The way Ryan shows love isn't the way I show love.

Marriage is a wonderful thing. It works well for many people, but I think it is true that you don't really know how things work for you or how you'll react to something until you're right smack dab in the middle of it. So how do you make sure that everything works out ok? I don't think there is any way to ensure that your marriage will be peaches and cream, I think you just have to be committed.

Monday, November 9, 2009

The House Of Mirrors Concept

Everyone of us has something about ourselves that we don't really like. Something that we would like to change. Something that makes us feel less than our best. Tell me why is it that the one thing you hate is the one thing that other people say is sexy, or great, or they just don't see what you see at all? What I usually tell people is, my height, I wish I was taller. The truth is, I don't really want to tell people that for me, it's really my boobs. I'm 5'2", I weigh 117 pounds and I'm a 36 D. I look in the mirror and I see top heavy, un-proportionate. I can't wear what I want to wear because when I try to look classy and flirty I look slutty. Slutty is only ok if it's Halloween, at least in my book. People stare, it's embarrassing. I'm a size 4, but I feel like I look heavy because my boobs are larger. During my whole clean eating/kick-ass killer workout thing, I dropped 10% body fat. I was hoping and praying that that would help me go from my DD to a C. Much to my dismay and my husband's delight, I only lost one cup size even with dropping that 10% body fat.

I cover the girls up as much as I can. I wear black a lot, not a whole lot of V-necks, and if I do wear V-necks I'm self conscious the entire time I'm wearing it. At the beach, I wear a T-shirt or a tank top over my bikini top. For bras, if I'm leaving the house it's a demi bra, no padding, no push-ups, no nothing, I don't want to draw any attention to them.

I look at some women who love everything about themselves, they aren't self conscious at all! I wish I could have their confidence! My friend Alison was at my house one day, she grabbed one of my bras and put it on over her top. She jumped off the bed and exclaimed, "This is how you feel all the time!?!? This is amazing!" She proceeded to strut around the bedroom taking pictures of herself and her new "cup size". I responded in between applying my lipstick and mascara, "Yeah you try being six inches shorter carrying those things around and people staring at you all the time. I'm pretty sure you'll be ready to trade them in." Her response, as she pulled a tight t-shirt over my bra, "Can you take a picture so I can send it to my husband???" Sheesh. She was so non-chalant, like having these huge monstrosities was actually desirable for her. It was so strange for me, I just didn't get it at all.

I know that my husband and friends wouldn't lie to me. If I really did look as ridiculous as I thought, they would be honest and tell me. What some people see in the mirror is completely different than what other people see. I have absolutely no concept of size, and I know that what I see is different than what others see, but this is not something that you can just tell yourself, "Ok self, you see something obscene in the mirror but it's not what others see." You can tell yourself that as many times as you want, it truly is something that needs to be overcome within you.

This is a huge issue, not just in young teen girls but adult women too. Body Dysmorphic Disorder is when a person lets slight or non-existent flaws on their body become HUGE issues in their lives. It's crazy to think that this is a diagnosable disorder, people seeing non-existent flaws about their appearance. Most people think it's a way to get attention. Perhaps for some it is, I think for many it's not. It usually starts with someone telling the person, when they're young and impressionable, that their nose is too long, or they're getting chunky. The young person takes that and runs with it. Poor body image, depression, sometimes eating disorders can all stem from this. I think some cases are worse than others. I definitely am not depressed, or have an eating disorder. Am I self conscious about my wardrobe, absolutely, and this has been a huge thing for me.

For the last two years I've struggled with body image. My boobs were too big, or my skin would fold weird at my armpit, or my knees were too knobby. I would always find something that would be wrong, and being the perfectionist I am, being flawless was a necessity. Looking back, I was being completely ridiculous, but that's not what you see at the time. You see something completely different in the mirror than everyone else. Some people have a really hard time grasping this concept. If you had parents or adults in your life that encouraged you a lot as a kid and didn't criticize you often, then you may not have this problem. Consider yourself lucky. My husband's parents were very encouraging and supportive. Ryan doesn't get this at all, he knows that body image is something I struggle with, although I don't talk about it as much as I did years ago, and he's supportive when he needs to be. He also tells me when I'm being ridiculous, which is also necessary at times.

I think the media and people speaking out about body image disorders in the last few years has helped a lot. It's ok not to be a size 2, size 14 is actually the average size in America and that's ok! Thankfully, I've improved a lot over the last few years, but it's still something that looms in the back of my head while I'm in that fitting room, or trying to find just the right top to wear. I'm a big believer of everything coming down to your mindset. You run your life. You make your decisions. You choose to be happy in your situations, it's your life, if you don't like something, YOU need to change it. Yet, sometimes it's just not as easy as telling yourself you're not going to feel this certain way anymore, it takes work.

They say that the first thing you need to do is see the bright side, the better aspect of what you don't like. At least my chest doesn't resemble a 10 year old boys. That would suck. Years ago, I knew a girl from California who had breast augmentation done. She paid several thousand dollars to go from a B to a C. We were getting ready for a party one night and she saw me layering my clothes to cover up the girls and said, "What are you doing?!?! I paid a lot of money to have what you have naturally." She has a point. Lots and lots of people pay thousands of dollars every year to have "enhancements" done, while there are plenty of people out there who have those same things naturally and don't even realize what they have, or don't like what they have.

There will always be that one thing we could hone in on and only focus on that, and we don't see the other things about us physically that make us unique or beautiful. Once you get in that rut or start focusing on the "poor" trait, it's hard not to see it every time you look in the mirror. The funny thing is, chances are the trait you find repulsive, no one even notices, or it's a trait that someone really likes about you. Go figure.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Birthday Blues

I decided a year ago that I was no longer celebrating birthdays. One year ago I hit 26 and upon realizing that I was closer to 30 than 20, I decided I was no longer celebrating the day of my birth. Father Time, that sadistic bastard, did not listen and brought me yet another birthday that has made me now 27. After 26, birthday's became more like New Years, for me. I despise New Years. Who wants a yearly reminder that you haven't accomplished as much as you wanted to over the year, that you're in more debt than you started out, and you still can't figure out why everyone else has their crap together but you? When you're young and you realize that you haven't accomplished as much as you wanted, you can just chalk it up and say, "Hey I'm young, I have all the time in the world!" After 25 you look at the fine lines forming at your eyes and extra pounds on the scale and say, "I suppose time has gotten away from me and I DON'T have all the time in the world." Birthday's have now become another yearly reminder that I have yet to accomplish certain things in my life. Not that all our friends having babies and buying houses isn't a constant reminder that we're getting older. Apparently, I'm in denial with visions of sugar plumbs dancing in my head. I can't help it if trips to Europe, and Harley Davidson's are more interesting to me than having kids and BBQ's with the neighbors for the rest of my life.

So, I see it as I have five years to get these things out of my head before I'll need to think about kids, before every spare dime we make goes to children's college, braces and daycare, and before we get to where either our finances or health doesn't allow for travel. Five years to get as much traveling in as I can, five years to finish my education (I swear to God if it takes me five years to finish I'll cry), and five years to pay off credit cards and student loans (which is highly unlikely but nice to think about). The rest of the things I want-my Harley, to go skydiving, getting my diver's license can all be done when I'm older with kids. In 30 years, the old lady skydiving with the Harley will be me.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

All Talk No Game

I'm really quite irritated with myself. After promising myself I would let it all hang out on my blog, I have shied away from brutal honesty. If you ask anyone that knows me, they'll tell you that I truly am brutally honest. Yet, I have come to realize that I'm only brutally honest about certain things. My reputation and certain people's feelings take a precedence over the desire to be bold and brash. I suppose that's a good thing.

There are really two posts that I have been dying to hit the publish button on, but I know that I'll never be able to do that. All my family, my friends, Ryan's friends, people I used to work with, people married to my friends, people married to Ryan's friends, read my blog. (Which is very flattering, I was fairly certain my ranting about the job market and our current living situation was getting boring.) Due to who my readers are and the content of those two posts I will never be able to "un-leash", which sucks because if you can't be yourself on your blog who can you be. A guarded version of yourself I suppose.

As soon as I hit "publish post" not only will Ryan's phone start ringing, but so will mine. I really don't want to explain myself or have a deep psychological session with anyone on why I feel the way I do about those two topics. I know that it's just concern that these people show for me, but seriously I'm not into hearing about it. If they know me, they know that I try to see all situations, circumstances, and opinions from all angles. I try to be very open-minded, so those two topics aren't something I conjured my thoughts together on in an hour. Yes, I realize I'm all talk and no action. I had every intention to let loose but I saw the aftermath to be worse than the gratification of getting the thoughts off my chest. Sometimes it's better to just keep your mouth shut. Smile and nod, smile and nod.

Hotel Life

For about a week, I've been in SC with Ryan. His company paid for a room at an extended stay; he's in SC for some training. My family lives here, I'm bored out of my mind, and there's nothing worse than spending your birthday (which is tomorrow FYI) by yourself. Ryan asked me to come up and stay with him, so I packed a bag and the dog and drove the 12 hours.

I love traveling. One of my regrets is not taking that road trip out to California with my BFF after high school graduation. The idea of living like a vagabond appeals to me. The only belongings you own are what fits in your car, you can go anywhere or do anything. Freedom at it's finest. Of course I realize that this is not practical or responsible at all. How I would earn money to buy food and car gas, I have no idea. I'm not saying that it wouldn't be inconvenient or un-healthy at times, I'm just saying that it would be a blast. I should have picked a career that allows for a lot of travel. Unfortunately, we accountants don't get out often, we're typically locked to a cubicle with spreadsheets and budget analysis pouring out of our ears.

My friend E has a career that allows him to travel, A LOT. The lucky bastard has been around the world at least three times that I can count. He would text me when he got back into town, we'd meet up for lunch or a drink, and he would tell me about all the crazy, exotic things, places and people he'd run into. Occasionally he would end up with a souvenir, a couple times that souvenir was a girl. He ended up marrying his last souvenir, a model from Canada. I would sit there sipping my beer with jealousy as I listened to him tell me how beautiful Germany is and how Paris really wasn't as awesome as he thought it would be. As much as I hope and dream that one day I'll visit Europe, Asia, Australia, ect., the most traveling I'll more than likely be doing is in the US of A. That's fine, already Louisiana has been like another country. I'm getting off topic here...

So I've been living in a hotel for about a week now. I don't have to clean, make beds, or cook. Ryan's company pays for meals. How in the world can people complain about this, this is awesome! E used to say that as much fun as it is to be flown all over the place and not pay a dime for anything, hotel life can get really old, and really lonely. He's right, I already miss my bed. Hence the reason I'm up at 4am writing this. Between the snoring husband and not being able to get comfortable, sleep is far from right around the corner. Perhaps if I had a job to do everyday, and I was in a new area that I wanted to explore it would be different, but to do this as much as E did, I would get annoyed with it really fast. I guess sometimes the things you think you want may not always be as awesome as you thought.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Random Ramblings

I have a job. It is nothing to write home about, nothing to be super proud of, hence why I am not disclosing any details whatsoever of what my job actually is or where it is. No, it's not illegal, and all my clothing stays on; however, it is rather embarrassing to go from being a top auditor of a multi-million dollar marketing company down to a...well, NOT an auditor of a multi-million dollar marketing company. I have, in fact, taken so many steps back in my career I might as well be walking backwards, BUT it's the only thing I could find quickly and it wasn't my choice to leave my job in VA. I tried to let them give me remote access, but NOOOOOO. Although, I have heard from several people that I am greatly missed and certain aspects of the department has fallen apart a few times since I've left. Fuckers. Serves them right.

Hopefully this "job" will buy me some time until I find something in my field. Or we'll get tenants in the VA house, or we'll sell Ryan's Cobra. So many "if's". I don't do well with "if's", I like facts, and certainity. I'm too controlling for this crap.

Speaking of controlling, in a conversation with "Bob" he told me that I would more than likely be a lot calmer/happier if I learned how to not sweat the small stuff. I completely agree with him, but how do you do that? I can't just wake up one morning and say, "I don't care about certain crap. No longer are certain things important." Usually the stuff that's not important ends up being important later on. Or there's so many unimportant matters that they add up to be one big important matter.

I think we can all agree that we all have things we want to work on about ourselves, but it's just not that easy to completely change your personality. Sometimes it's easier to just accept who you are and make changes as you go.