Thursday, January 20, 2011

I Apparently Didn't Think This All The Way Through

I've been MIA lately. I have been busy and every time I go to write a new post my latest and greatest freak-out keeps coming up. I've been deleting the posts and logging out so as to not scare my few and wonderful followers away, but I can no longer ignore this and think maybe if I just explode I'll be done with this and move on.

A few weeks ago I woke up and suddenly it hit me that I would eventually need to give birth and I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I know, I know, I'm not even 1/2 way through, but if you knew me, you'd know that I think WAY ahead of time. NOTHING in my life is done last minute. I had never even seen a birth, not in school, not in real-life, nada. I had no idea what to expect and when I went to research what my options for birth were, I was swarmed with info overload and completely freaked the fuck out. Should I go medicated, non-medicated, partial-medicated, what the hell is partial-medicated, should I avoid certain drugs, should I attempt to do most of the labor at home, will I have my own room, will my doc push meds on me, will she tell me I can't have meds before or after a certain point, what about breastfeeding, what about privacy, if I do get drugs will my kid be ok? That was just the beginning of my head-throbbing woes regarding the birth. For Christ's sake, the birth can only last for so long, yet here I am completely freaking out over it. Parenting lasts for YEARS, yet I haven't freaked out at all over that. Nervous that I might give my poor kid issues that need professional help, yes; but I have yet to freak out over that. It's more of a pressing issue in the back of my brain.

At my last doc appointment I drilled my doc with question after question mostly about my birthing options and meds. I have no idea how I got so lucky with my doc, but she answered all of my questions truthfully and respectfully. I still have no idea what I want to do in regards to meds or not, but I decided to give my brain a rest and take it as it comes. Even if I have a whole plan laid out my body and baby are gonna do what they're gonna do regardless of the plan I come up with.

Now on to the next freak-out and so far the worst. I'm ashamed to say this has brought me to tears. I blame the hormones. I'm not concerned about the pain involved with birth. If it gets unbearable I can ask for meds. I've never given birth before but I can imagine it's pretty awful. I have sustained 3rd degree burns, shoving a nail through my hand, numerous gymnastics and clutzy injuries, black eyes, the list goes on; I imagine giving birth is all those things times 100,000. And I'm probably still way off. Even though I'm thinking all of that, the pain doesn't scare me. I think of pain as mind over matter, but I've never given birth, I might think differently after that experience.

I'm freaking out because A)I do not want to be completely exposed on the bed for the world to see, B)I'll have no privacy, C)birth is disgusting and I'm afraid my husband will be completely grossed out and won't want or love me anymore, D)I'm going to be completely humiliated and embarrassed through all of birth's...issues. I've talked to people who have given birth and they all tell me the same thing-you don't care at the time. Yeah well, that doesn't help me now. After talking to Marina, she told me that I had giving birth all wrong and the medical staff totally respects your privacy and the only one down there is the doc and your husband if he cuts the cord. She suggested I go to babycenter.com and check out the birthing video's. WELL. I apparently choose the wrong video's to watch because both women in those video's were butt naked, spread eagle on the table for the entire medical staff to see. Awesome.

I have even tried reasoning with myself; telling myself that I'm being completely ridiculous, and creating a bigger issue in my head than this really is. Women have been giving birth since the beginning of time. This can't possibly be that big of a deal. When I talk to those who have given birth they either laugh at me (whether this is out of pity, I'll never know), or shrug it off like it's not a big deal(which in reality is making me feel worse, because now I obviously have this horrendous fear of humiliation that apparently no other woman has, or they had it at one point in time but stopped caring, and I have yet to reach that point).

Being publicly embarrassed has always been an issue with me, and here I've trapped myself into THE most embarrassing predicament a woman could ever go through. Real smart Steph, didn't exactly think that one through did ya. I don't even use the bathroom in front of my husband. I just need to go ahead and book a ticket to Sweden, give birth there and come back later. This is insane. What the hell was I thinking?

I'm going to be the whiny pregnant lady and say I don't want to do this. I would rather go to an island alone, give birth, without meds, without any help, and come back than do this in a room packed full of nurses and doctors exposed for everyone to see, during one of the most private and embarrassing times of my life. I don't care if the staff has seen it all. I don't care if they do this everyday. I don't care if I'm being completely irrational. And if another person tells me that I won't care when it comes down to it, they're going to get an ear full of bitching. That being said, I will not mention this again. I'm hoping I just needed to get this off my chest so I can move on and not be completely mortified about this before it even happens.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I Feel So Blessed

I feel so blessed that I'm 16 weeks pregnant. That I didn't have to go through endless treatments and thousands of dollars for my growing little one. I'm blessed that I haven't had any complications. I'm blessed that the nausea only lasted one month and I only lost my lunch once. I'm blessed that I have Alison who let me borrow all her maternity clothes and I'll only have to buy pants. I'm blessed that my sister-in-law is so willing to let me borrow Kael's stuff.

I'm blessed that I found some great baby things off Craig's List for fractions of the total price. I'm blessed that every time I go to the doctor for a check-up the doc smiles, tells me I'm doing great and says the baby is good to go. I'm blessed that my friend Tiffany always answers her phone when I call her with my countless breastfeeding questions. I'm blessed that my husband finally stopped arguing with me and gave in to my weird antics; like when I asked him to go to the store at 11pm for spaghetti sauce, or when I came home today wanting to rearrange the guest room/nursery-to-be for no apparent reason.

I'm blessed that we were able to save money to be able to afford a child. I'm blessed that my sisters want to buy Sprout presents. I'm blessed that after each weekly email my dad emails me back and tells me he loves me and his grandchild. It can be really easy to get overwhelmed by life and it's circumstances. Sometimes we just need to sit back and look at what we do have.